I really did not want to write this post. But writing is something that has kept me sane, for a few years now. So I thought that I will write this one but will not post it in public. Few call it expression and some call it completion. But the bottom line is- if something has been bothering you a lot, you cannot be your self unless you cast those feelings out. So here it comes this post (probably purely for myself).
Weird the life is - I can write pages about things I've seen in a day. But words veil when I try to put my 25 years on paper - that is what describing this man would be. That is probably why these 2 letters in Kannada remains my favorite and most uttered word till date: Appa (Father in English)
I used to wonder why my success small or big is a bigger celebration for him than me. But thinking about it, all those sleepless nights of his about setting up the finances for my education or those restless thoughts he had in teaching me the right attitude- are the rightful owners of my success than I am. And now I wonder what any of this success or achievement would mean.
And I think, that is also why all the things I do now - as small as opening a key or as big as talking to my boss, take conscious effort from me. I am learning all these things again, all the things that he taught me, and all the things that he made me with. It is definitely a new life for me, as life can never be the same without him in it.
How I wish that all of this is a dream and I wake up to hear his voice at least, but only I do not know how to end this dream or wakeup for good.
I know that no one is here to set up a permanent camp. And life has to move on. But I think it is not my complete self, but a part of me that was he and will always be him- that is still orphaned as it is seeing the world for the first time, and cannot even budge as if 2 calendar months is no time at all to accept this ruthless verity.
Though I miss him badly ever now, since hatred is something he never taught me, ‘Thank god for giving me the worlds best dad. And thank him for me, for he is with you now’.
My dad used to tell me that - from gravest of pains comes the greatest of strengths. Though I wish to forgo any strength that I could get at this cost, I will now wait to see what it is, for that is what I think will define that part of me that is headless as of now.
